


"Do I want to die from the inside out or the outside in?''

by sighingfawn



Series: more than my scars. [2]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, M/M, Other, Self Harm, Swearing, non Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:37:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1537823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighingfawn/pseuds/sighingfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Juice crashes his bike it brings down his world too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Do I want to die from the inside out or the outside in?''

**Author's Note:**

> These chapters are going to be in non-linear order, some will take place while Juice and Chibs are dating, others before and while Juice is a prospect and some will be therapy sessions that have taken place during Juice's life. Please please please if you have/had/might have an eating disorder please don't read this.  
> I shouldn't even be writing this.

It’s a bitterly cold morning when Juice lays down his bike just outside the gates of Teller-Morrow, the sky is a dull elephant skin grey and a mist makes the already quiet town even sleepier. The sound of his bike hitting the gates pulls Tig out of the office and into the yard where he see’s Juice sprawled on the grassy bank.  
He waits for a moment to see if the stupid kid will jump up and play it off but he doesn’t, so Tig walks over to him and calls his name, a slow panic starting to punch its way through his stomach as he see’s the kid hasn’t responded or moved.  
Tig reaches the kid and leans down to check his pulse, finding it at the same time Juice begins to stir.  
“Juice? C’mon Juice.” He repeats until the kid opens his eyes and looks at him.  
“What the hell?” Juice mumbles, sitting up slowly as the world tilts and flickers.  
“You crashed your bike.”  
Tig encourages the kid to wrap his arms around his shoulders as he helps him unsteadily to his feet. “Can you walk?”  
“Yeah. Yeah.” Juice sounds unsure but makes it through the gates and half way through the yard before he stumbles again.  
“I can make it.” Juice leans on Tig as he tries to stop the pavement from slipping out under him. He closes his eyes and breathes.  
He opens them and he’s looking up at a ceiling in the clubhouse  
He tries to sit up but a pair of hands anchor him back down to the mattress.  
“You fucking idiot.”  
Yeah. Crashed my bike.” He feels like something is wrong, he can hear angry voices but can’t pick up on what they’re saying.  
“Not that you fucking goddamn...” He struggles and sits up.  
“Crashed my bike.” Juice doesn’t mean to say it again.  
Everything in the room snaps into focus.  
Chibs is sitting on the bed with him. Jax, Tig and Opie are standing in and around the doorway of his room. They look angry and sad and Juice doesn’t understand.  
“It’s just a bike.”  
“Look at you.”  
Oh fuck.  
He always knew that one day his secret would be out, but he always thought it would be because he was found dead, or his excuses would run out and all he would be left with was the truth. Not because he crashed his bike into the fucking gates of Teller-Morrow. He wants to laugh it off and let them think he’s a stupid idiot kid who can’t ride for shit and shouldn’t be trusted with a bike.  
Instead, he tries not to cry as he looks at properly at Chibs and see’s that he’s holding his hoodie.  
“Fucking jesus Juicy.” Chibs shouts.  
Freakshow. No entrance fee.  
“Are you sick?” Opie asks, folding his arms.  
Juice shakes his head and sits up, pulling his knees into his chest to try to hide himself.  
“Then what the fuck?” Jax is leaning against the door frame looking more concerned than angry.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Juice you look like a fucking skeleton.”  
“I- no I don’t.” He sounds so confused that it takes everybody by surprise.  
Chibs circles his thumb and pointer finger easily around Juice’s wrist. “You’re all bone lad.”  
“Yeah right.” Juice snorts.  
“Juicy…” Chibs sighs.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Oh you fucking look it!” Chibs stands up and drops his hoodie to the floor.  
“I’ve just been super tired!” Juice moves and reaches for his jacket but Chibs blindsides him and grabs his wrist again.  
“What about these?” The cuts that Juice inflicts every time he fucks up. Some old and some new.  
“It’s none of your fucking business.” Juice pulls his wrist away and stands up, the world swaying and melting at the edges.  
“You’re hurting yourself!” Chibs screams.  
“I. Am. Fine.” Juice looks at the guys with pleading brown eyes. “Tell him. I look fine.”  
“Juice.” Jax shakes his head and moves further into the room. “Something isn’t right.”  
“C’mon.” He knows how desperate he must look standing in the centre of the room with brimming eyes and shaking hands. “Guys, I’m fine.”  
“STOP SAYING THAT YOU’RE FINE! YOU’RE FUCKING SICK.” Chibs’ hands are in front of him, like he wants to touch Juice in a way that he can’t quite figure out.  
Juice crumples to the floor.  
“I forget to eat sometimes. It’s nothing serious.”  
“Godammit. Fucking you’re the walking poster child for anorexia.”  
The room lurches.  
“What the fuck did you say?” Juice screams.  
“You have an eating disorder! You never fucking eat here, you’re skin and bones and can’t fucking see it and you’re lying!”  
“Fuck you.” Juice spits. “You’re the one who's lying. I’m a healthy weight and I eat all the goddamn time.”  
“I haven’t seen you eat a meal here since you were a prospect.” Ope stands silent for a minute, trying to recall the last time he saw Juice eat. “I think.”  
“I forget to eat because I don’t get hungry.”  
“What is it Juice? You eat all the time or you forget to eat?” Jax shouts.  
Chibs hauls him from the floor and pushes him against the wall. “I should’ve fucking known. You can’t keep your lies straight!”  
Juice’s eyes flare as he struggles against Chibs. “Known? How the fuck would you have known? You haven’t spoken to me in weeks, you don’t fucking care about me. You don’t care.” He knows that he sounds petulant.  
“Fuck you. “You think I don’t care? I’m fucking scared Juicy. You fucking idiot. I’ve been here since you were a prospect. I was waiting and you were hurting yourself rather then letting me help. Fuck you.” He storms from the room and Tig follows him. Juice slides down the wall and grinds his fists into his eyes.  
“He fucking hates me.”  
“I think it’s the opposite, idiot.” Ope says softly.  
“He hates me.” Juice repeats.  
“Kid, you need to think about what he just said and then talk to him.” Ope says as he walks away.  
“You need help Juice.” Jax says a few minutes later. “Tara can get you it at the hospital. If you don’t go you’re out of the club.”  
“No no no no no. Please. Not again. Please.” Juice begs but Jax shakes his head.  
“You’ve been in hospital before?”  
“Twice. I get messy sometimes. Sad.”  
Jax nods. “It can get better Juice, you just need some help. We can give you that”  
“Nobody can help me. They just fatten me up and send me home. I can’t get fat again.”  
“And we can’t lose you Juice.”

I’m already lost, he thinks.


End file.
